Withholding

Yesterday, our pastor preached an interesting sermon on the oft-quoted Ephesians 5 selection on men and women. His take on the verses was that men and women have different designated roles, not different worth or superiority. Those roles are designed to counteract what happened at the Fall.

• Adam's sin? Running away from the responsibility. Protecting himself at her expense.
• Man's role? Staying. Taking responsibility. Loving his wife above himself.
  
• Eve's sin? Pulling him down instead of lifting him up. Using her power wrongly.
• Woman's role? Pushing Adam forward and allowing him to lead. Lifting/holding him up.

The idea that got me thinking was the concept of power as the ability to withhold.

My pastor described men's "language of love" as respect, and he said women are very good at figuring out how to withhold it. I think it goes both ways, but since I'm a woman, I'll follow his angle of thinking as I muse about this topic of withholding respect.

It is one consequence of not being given the direct leadership role. The thought process is something like, "If he would do it my way, this wouldn't happen. He's a fool for not doing it my way. Therefore, I don't owe him my respect."

It's punishment. Like withholding food, company, or intimacy, withholding respect is a statement of disapproval, of the other's failure. "When you get it right, then I will respect you."

It's a substitute for communication. We allow others to sense our disapproval without being honest enough to tell them why. That's a major difference between training an animal and living in a relationship. It's good if the animal can read your body language. A person shouldn't be expected to do the same.

The question is how not to give respect too lightly, but how not to withhold due respect. The line is finer than I once thought. I guess that's one of those things married couples especially have to figure out, but it certainly is food for thought in regards to all relationships, among women as well as between woman and man.