It's funny to me that before I "officially" made the decision not to apply to PhD programs, I was very comfortable with that choice. As soon as I decided, though, all the doubts and fears began to crop up in my mind. Now, I'm trying to do a bit of processing.
In 2008, I wrote about the scads of commentaries available from people weighing in on the pros and cons of taking a year off before grad school (Good gap, bad gap). In another post (To fill in the Gap), I called this blog "an exploration and a promise" of my personal plan to return to graduate school. I suppose I still see it that way.
On one hand, it's reassuring to look back at the post and affirm: yes, I did successfully begin graduate school in 2009 (even if I never made it through that beginning Italian book...).
On the other hand, a year can be a long time, and I remember how much I missed school during the last working year. There's a part of me that feels as if I've gone in a small circle, and come May, will be right back where I was in 2008.
Well, today, I think that part of me needs a good talking to.
Okay, self. Let's get a few things straight. Number 1: This is a choice, not a failure. The reason I decided not to apply was, in part, to preserve my freedom to choose. I didn't want to go on just because I was accepted somewhere, and I didn't want take a year off just because no one accepted me.
Number 2: This is neither a roadblock, a detour, nor a dead end. It is a part of the route. Without the pressing deadlines of course work, I will make time to visit schools, get in touch with relevant scholars (whose names I'm just starting to learn), and put together a killer writing sample and essays. I'll refresh my French and keep working on Latin, maybe even add Italian. If I need to, I'll re-take tests. I'll read more theory. I'll get familiar with more primary texts in my field. I might go to conferences or go to the Folger Library.
Number 3: I'm not just a scholar. I still want to dance, play sports, and get back into theater. I want to travel, take road trips, and do more creative writing. I'd like to tutor more and maybe get some teaching experience. These aren't just coping strategies: they're important pieces of who I am.
Number 4: I haven't just gone in a circle. I've improved immensely as a writer, a reader, and a researcher. My sense of my own scholarly identity has grown just as much. What is more, I successfully applied for, received, and completed a research grant; I attended two more grad conferences; and I will have written and defended a thesis. That's not nothing.
Number 5: Part of the anxiety I feel comes from believing I lack the perseverance to reach my goals if once I pause to consider. However, if I am honest, not just in the pessimistic sense, my track record shows I am capable of persistence. If this continues to be my goal, and I think it will, I will continue to work toward it.
Telling myself these things doesn't eradicate the fears completely, but it's helpful to rehash the things I don't always quite believe. Sometimes truth bears repeating.
Now in the meantime, self, you have a thesis to plan...
Numbers 2 and 3 are definitely the most important ones to emphasize and remember. Also, along the lines of No. 2, you can take the time to expand and maybe even consider different ways and approaches to get to whatever you want.
ReplyDeleteAnd, most importantly, taking a year off (even if you don't chose it, which happens to some people) is definitely not a failure but an opportunity and an opportunity you can enjoy.